Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
