Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize