lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
zippers are such a cool invention
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
