I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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