"it" just moved
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
