his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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