Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
