I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
