Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize