i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
