nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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