Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
