He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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