i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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