oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize