I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
