He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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