just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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