I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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