I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
