so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
