No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
