I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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