I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
