I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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