saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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