I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize