I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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