I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
