I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
