My liver just broke up with me...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
