I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
