I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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