Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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