I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
