Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
