i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize