i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
