So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
