I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
