Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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