I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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