come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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