At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
