YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
