walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize