Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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