Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The best revenge is premature balding
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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