i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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