2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize