but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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