she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Are we still banned from the library?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
