You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
