Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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