Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize