Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If that was your dad, he is hot
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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