my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
