Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
